In fond memory of my father, late Sri Villuri Nageswara Rao (1960-2020)

It has been a long time coming to put these together. Not because it was difficult writing them down, but I was putting it off for reasons unknown. The reason I’m putting it out here is in the hope you find some wisdom from it and in my own way thank my father for what he has given me. I hope you enjoy the read 🙏 

Making excuses is not an option

The best memory I have of my father is that he was supremely committed to something he truly set his mind to. He would do it no matter what the circumstance. Be it a simple habit or some of the most difficult things. If you have ‘sankalpa’ i.e. true intention, you cannot make excuses because that is contradictory to your being.

Don’t apologize if you are not sorry

This is a good one. He used to work in an environment that had hard-working but many a time insincere and callous folks. So, he would, on a regular basis, encounter people who would turn up with apologies because he was in charge. They would offer their apologies and move on to doing what they were doing. He used to tell them, “if you don’t feel sorry, don’t apologize”.

I would hear it again and again, even when my sister & I used to get into trouble, we’d say a quick sorry and move on. As if a reflex, he would say it. I would only learn later in life, its deep meaning and implication. By being truly sorry, we forgive ourselves; give ourselves an opportunity to realize what was done and the possibility of acceptance and change.

Forgiveness is not something we feel but an act of true honesty; of letting go of our own ego

If you’re not having fun, what is the point of it

While he was hard working. He would make sure, it was balanced with having fun, doing the work, and off it. Especially, when you least expect it, he’d say, let’s go do something fun and we’d go out to the beach, to dinners, movies, and so on. He exemplified ‘all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy’ for me. It has helped me greatly to make choices and prioritize work-life balance in professional life and have fun in general.

Family is everything, show up for them

I’m a huge movie buff, and The Godfather is one of my favorite movies of all time. Be what may the setting of the movie, my father was like Vito Carleone. The family was everything to him. He would say, “if you are not sincere to your family, be assured, you cannot be dependable or trustworthy”. In that sense, he had us, the personal family; his work family, and of course, his friends, who until his last breath stood by him and showed up. Because of the love he had shown and shared.

Don’t disappoint your loved ones on purpose; be vulnerable with them instead

Everyone makes mistakes, but disappointing your loved ones with conscious choices and awareness is something that will haunt you all your life. So, always be mindful of how it might impact your loved ones, that care for you and who are dependent on you before making decisions. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with your parents, your siblings, your spouse/partners. You have nothing to fear because they are an extended part of you and will only help you.

The value of being kind is immeasurable

He faced a lot of hardships at a very early age. He did not become a bitter, cold person through those experiences. Instead, he became a very kind-hearted and gentle man because he was showered kindness and support from many friends he made owing to his spirit. Everyone who knew him at some level would only say that about him. His kindness was a hallmark of his character. It has shaped my sister and me greatly.

Trusting others does not mean give them put them in the driver’s seat

Through a series of hard lessons, I learned at his expense and experience. The flip side of being too kind is sometimes, people with not so good intentions will take advantage. And that happened many times with him. That didn’t seem to affect him that much. He didn’t let their betrayal of his trust make him lose his kindness. Much later in his life, he would say, don’t make the same mistakes I did. I saw only his wisdom, not his shortcomings.

Drive yourself, don’t be driven by others or circumstance

My dad was a very hard working individual. He radiated that spirit to everyone that worked with him. To either give your all or don’t bother showing up. With that indomitable ethos, he had inspired growth in many. He used to say, work hard for yourself true to your values, or the world is smart enough, it will do it for you and you end up being miserable. He was very passionate about driving, something I inherited, and would always say, “be the driver, not the passenger”. It meant, own the direction, choices, and pace at which you are going, don’t be passive about it.

Uncertainties and unknowns are what makes life interesting

There were many lost chances in his career, to grow big, make money, etc. He did not regret not taking them though, he said, it’s ok, we learn to let go. If chances are lost or not taken, learn to live with what we have and try to make it better looking forward. When an opportunity does present itself, seize it, make the choice. It is better to do something and regret not doing it well than not even have tried. To not know what is in the store is what makes life interesting. My mother is a believer in astrology, he would say, “If we knew everything, would we make the same effort to seek it?”

There is no such thing as perfect

He worked in the automobile service industry. One day, he took me to the new car yard and asked, what do you think? Are they perfect new cars with no flaws? In my naivete said, of course, otherwise who would buy them? He laughed off and said, “there is no such as ‘perfect’, everything that is made, including us, in nature is imperfect”. So, don’t expect it of yourself or others. This would become ethos to life and work. Even, to date, I’d rather put out work than wait for it to be perfect, wait for the perfect time, perfect anything. When I was majoring in Quality, the subject of specifications, tolerances, etc. made perfect sense to me. Seeking excellence is another thing altogether, which I’ll cover separately.

Saying NO is tough, even feels impossible sometimes. That is why you must learn to say it

Often, we are quick to say yes to things that we might not understand well enough. Saying ‘No’ to things is a powerful decision. It takes more thought and effort to say no to something. Especially, when the immediate effects seem to be comforting and familiar. When he was diagnosed with diabetes, to my mother’s frustration he would eat sweets and desserts. Only thanks to my mother’s discipline and hard work were he able to manage it. When we hit some tough times, he was given handouts by some of his friends, most likely with sincerity and goodwill. But he wouldn’t have it, he would so no until there was no other alternative that he couldn’t manage on his own or with our support.

Getting too comfortable is not ok

My father had led a comfortable life. Sometimes too comfortable, I’d like to think. It could be a generational thing. I always believed he had great untapped potential and tried to prod him to do something more, with little success. I figured I will push myself and see what happens, this kind of became another value I live by. I consciously put myself in uncomfortable and difficult situations with the intention of evolving through them; could be adoption, overcoming, or avoiding when it becomes a reality.

Growth often lies at the edge of the comfort cliff over the valley of fear. All it takes is a leap of faith.

Don’t have children until you are ready for them. Parenting is a privilege

My parents had us when they were early in their careers. They went through a lot of trouble early on to give us the life we have now. They made sure that they gave their all to provide us comfort, space, and freedom. That is not an easy achievement. But it came with a great cost of their own needs and desires. My perspective is that parenting is a privilege and comes with responsibility. It’s better to have children when we are ready for it than being unprepared.

Losing hope is natural; relying on family, loved ones and getting help is paramount

When he was first diagnosed with the cancer of the kidney, he went through bouts of depression. He would retreat and become conservative. Having family and loved ones to rely on is possibly the most powerful remedy to this. Mental health is often an ignored aspect of our well being. Seeking help is not a weakness; it is paramount for survival.

Seek happiness, don’t get carried away by it

Being happy, whatever it means for you, seek it. Relish it when you find yourself in those situations but be aware that it, like everything in life, is fleeting, and hence don’t try to become too attached to it. Don’t take it for granted either.

Who YOU are is the only truth; seek to realize that

This is my first introduction to Advaita, a turning point in my life. He often repeated the teachings of our spiritual guru. To always pay attention to the only truth and never let it go. It is the only meaningful thing we can do with this life. Everything else is merely a distraction.

Growing up, a young me in his 10’s would not pay it too much mind, but I think subconsciously it became ingrained. If anything, for this, I am eternally grateful; for the introduction to my guru, the experience, and enabling the path of spiritual learning of overcoming ignorance.

I offer my deepest prayers and my most humble thanks to his spirit for the life he has given me